Mop-Up RAW 04.09.01
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
Right. I'm Chris and this is the Mop-Up. 411's server crashed, because so many people keep visiting the damn site. So, I don't know when this column will be posted.... or how many people will read it, or anything. I'm sure Ashish and Widro are all over this and will have things running smoothly again.
I'm sure many of you just assumed that I would take advantage of the crash and enjoy a week off. How DARE you think that? Am I not Hyatte? Am I not Chris "Mr. Dependable" Hyatte? Hey pal, I am there.... for YOU.... each week.... rain or shine. No crashed server will hold ME back! No rest for the weary.... slave to the machine....hardest workin' man in Web Business.... blah blah blah.
BUT.... with all thing being what they are, this'll just be a fast recap. A little opener action, and the closer will be goofy sign ideas. We'll just get to the show and keep it simple and meandering. Worst case scenario, all this should be cleared up by next week and there will be TWO Raw recaps for you to go through. Then you can all applaud me for actually WORKING during this period.
No And Another Thing this week. Just in case this server thing will take a looong time to correct.
You know that "special" Mop-Up I planned on debuting this week? Well, it's pushed back until we have all this site stuff cleared up. Maybe next week, or maybe in a couple of weeks. Trust me on this one, it's not a Mop-Up that depends on current events for it's quality. I could write it today and post it in June and you'll have the exact, same reaction to it.... good or bad.
I promised not to do this.... but since he opened his mouth:
Scaia.... a week ago:
The missing WrestleManiacs tradition that DID get me a load of e-mail was the absent April Fools' column this year... what I want to know is, if you were EXPECTING a joke column, what good would it have done for me to actually write one up? You wouldn't have been fooled! Actually, if you want to complain, send it to Downtown Dave... the producers decided that we should play it straight on a day as important as WrestleMania Sunday, so that's why we didn't have an April Fools' joke. Not that a headline like "Pete Rose Banned for Life for Betting on Wrestling" would have created quite as big a stir as last year's "Wrestling Jesus"!
Dear God.... where do I begin?
1: From the way this.... this.... arrogant, little cumbox puts it, he actually THINKS that if he made up some silly stories and posted them as legit news.... no matter HOW outlandish they are and even though he has NEVER "broke" ANY new news stories ever IN HIS LIFE.... he honestly thinks that YOU, dear reader, would buy his every word and take it as gospel.... no doubt because HE is a GOD and YOU are his sheep! And only after he yells "GOT'CHA" will you slap your heads with your palm and yell, "D'OH"! This is WHY I RAG ON HIM!!!!!!
2: Plus, oh no, NOBODY would expect a goof news update from him on April FOOLS day... oh no.... we are MUCH too stoopid for that. We'd fall for it, hook, line, and sinker.
3: That "Wrestling Jesus" line was a shot at me, by the way. A few years ago, Madden wrote the piece just a couple of weeks after my "What Would Jesus Do" appeared. The piece, as harmless as a quadriplegic, was pulled a day later. F-Face Scaia claimed it was because the content was too "racy", everyone else knew that they pulled it because too many people called it a rip-off of me. This was Ricky's way of inciting me without mentioning my name, because he's still under the impression that it's every fan boy's DREAM to get a mention in the great SCAIA'S column. Hey Dick, chances are that our audiences aren't too far apart anymore. Samuda isn't there to carry your fat ass, nobody is running to Wrestleline as much as they used to be, are they?
4: And since when are you "funny" to begin with? Oh, I'm sure you crack your poker buddies up every Friday night when the rest of us are busy getting laid, but don't let that go to your head, numbnuts.... ooops, too late.
Yes, I know.... it's all just him getting me fired up intentionally. He's no dope. He knew that would set me off. The thing is, to this day, after YEARS of knocking him, I have received maybe TWO letters from people defending him. Guess what? People LIKE it when I go off on you. You really aren't well respected. Neither am I, but at least I know it. I also know now that DESPITE what some nitwits might think, I actually do have an effect on The Prick. When I really slam him around, notice that he gets particularly lovey dovey with Zimmerman.... hugging him tight for protection. I figure, if I keep it up and brutalize him week after week, eventually he and the Pooh Jew will become lifemates and get married, or something.
AIDS.... injected right in your nutsack.... then I'd like to take you into Sean Shannon's Grandfather's woods, bend you over a rock, and rape your ass with a blowtorch.... get it deep inside before pulling the trigger. Make Sean watch, too, both of you... little fairies. Me and Redwing Keene will have some fun with you, then fly out to California to see if your Brother will sell his mouth to us in an alley off Melrose.
That's all I have on him. Who did YOU think I was talking about when I said since HE opened his mouth? You didn't think I was going to talk about the little jilted girlfriend of mine who jumped the gun, assumed the 411 was dead and used it to take a shot at me, did you? Oh no, because once he found out that 411's newsboard was back up to speed, he quickly MODIFIED his statement.... no, he didn't make another new statement, he actually went to his posted statement and re-changed the words to make him look better. He does that to all the mail he posts too.... in order to make himself look as good as possible, don'tcha know (and I have the mail to PROVE it). Re-writing history, like I said, is what he and his little buttbuddy are all about. Pretty lame.
No plugs for the Slash site OR A1.... I guess this makes me a HYPOCRITE!!!
Oh, and note to Luke "I don't take this seriously....I'm only online 14 hours a day gossiping" Johnston.... for future reference, I refuse to take part in any chat that treats Scott Keith like a celebrity, okay? If he can put out that book on the downfall of WCW and NOT make it a silly ass waste of coin filled with speculation from people who were nowhere near Atlanta during the last few years, THEN I'll give him props. I'm not going to fight with him or Bob Ryder just for the amusement of you and your frightened little pals. Be nice to me or I'll talk about your site's abysmal readership that everyone goofs on behind your back.
And with that, we are finished. I know I promised to stop this foolishness.... but it's just SO FUN watching people react to me while pretending not to. Li'l ol' irrelevant me.
Anywhoo.... are we done? Yeah, I think so. Are we ready to recap? Yeah, I think so. Is there anything we've missed? Nothing comes to mind, no. Shall we go? Yes, I think we shall. Then let's go. Right. Who am I talking to? You are talking to yourself. Why do I feel like I'm having a conversation with a stranger? Because you're a whack job. How do I know I'm talking to me? You suck and no one will ever love you and when you die no one will notice. Yeah, you're me all right. I told you so. Shall we go then. Yes we shall. Okay. Okay.
RAW IS WAR (or: The Linda Strikes Back)
-opens with a video package reminding us of all the turmoil that was Vince and Linda. Of course, they needlessly tossed in that shot of Trish's tongue plunging deep into Vince's gullet.... they aren't idiots, they know that a hot babe's tongue ALWAYS equals prime spanking material for their target demo.
-After Linda sliced the grapefruits, Vince peered down towards his loins. One can only PRAY he also finally noticed that whoever has been dressing him in those shiny, leisure-like suits that went out roughly around the same time as "Hey baby, what's your sign?" is an evil, evil being.
-WWF: One World. Soon to be back to one football league, too.
-Earlier today, we see Vincent K McMahon admiring a glassed wall display showcasing some Boston Bruin jerseys. He blatantly steals Kurt Angle's gimmick and rags on the Bruins. What is that? Ice hockey? Feh.... silly, silly sport..... the only professional specifically created so that toothless French men with unpronounceable names can make a living.
-and how come Mario Lemieux isn't dead yet?
-Suddenly, Good Ol' Jr storms into the scene.... Vince approaches him. JR takes a tough guy stance. Vince asks what the hell happened to his face. JR mumbles, "Bells Palsy.... you try living your life not knowing if there's a snot on your cheek!"
-Vince wants to make sure Jim Ross is in the right frame of mind after getting tuned on last week. (Hey, I saw that coming!!! I called it last week!! -Maybe by next week, or maybe by Smackdown, but Ross WILL get punked by Stone Cold.... just to make sure we all know he's a HEEL. There you go!!! Love me! WORSHIP ME!!!)
-Vince tells JR that they have got to have a meeting in his office. Ross screams, "I ain't getting in ANOTHER TOGA!!!" then storms off. Vince calls after him, then adopts the famous "Vince sneer". We are off and running.
-opening theme
-Cameras bring the fireworks RIGHT INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM!!! Tell Grandma to put the fire extinguisher away, then ship her off to the Nursing home and tell the administrators to lock her in her room and throw away the key.
-Signs a'plenty.... all of them lame. They are in the Fleet Center in Boston MA. Home of WBCN, maybe the best dang radio station on the eastern seaboard..... which is home to Nick Carter, maybe the best dang afternoon drive time black DJ in the whole country.
-Boston.... and hour away from me and I STILL haven't visited it since Bob Backlund stepped inside a steel cage against Ken Patera. Does Boston still shove all their blacks into the tiny little town of Roxbury? If you ain't Irish in Beantown, then you ain't sheeit.
-Paul Heyman runs solo for the opening. He tells us that if JR is kept into Vince's office all night, then the part of JR will be played by Heyman himself. Then he contorted his face and screamed, "STONE COLD, STONE COLD" a few times. This cracked him up some.... and with good reason.
-Meanwhile, Kurt Angle came out for the obligatory twenty minute promo. He says that he's feeling "naked" tonight. (God, I haven't felt ANYTHING naked in.... oh God, has it been that long?)
-Now, Kurt knows that Boston is a town that is NOT used to winning championships.... (the friggin' town has kept TED KENNEDY in office for eons, they get what they deserve.... and yes, I fully realize that dropping a Kennedy reference here makes no sense within the context. I just don't care anymore.)
-Angle says that the Red Sox has made a tradition out of losing for the last 80 years. (DAMN YOU BILL BUCKNER!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!)
-Angle spots Tim Wakefield and is amazed that he's still playing. For you folks who aren't up on the Sox, you know Tim Wakefield by his other name, "The loser who pitches during Pedro's off-days" OR, "Pedro's not pitching, our team has a chance!" Yeah, THAT guy.
-Angle demands.... no, I mean DEMANDS a title shot tonight.... and unlike men like Roger Clemens, Bill Parcells, or Rick Pitino.... he won't leave this town until he wins championship gold. (He should have mentioned Ray Bourque, too.... the place would have ERUPTED!)
-Rick Pitino was the supposed Savior of the Celtics. His problem is that he didn't bring in enough WHITE players. Bird, McHale, Ainge.... THOSE guys brought most of the Celtic gold (nevermind that Bill Russel yutz).... the WHITE MEN WHO RULED BASKETBALL!!!!
-then came Jordan.... and it all changed. Alas.
-Angle called out Austin, HHH.... ANYONE with a belt to come on out and give him a shot. Because unlike Nomar Garciaparra, he won't FAKE an injury. (HEY!!! That wrist injury's REAL!!! YOU try signing all those autographs with such a ridiculously long name!)
-WE GOT MANNY!!!! WE GOT PEDRO!!!! WE GOT SOME GOOD PITCHING UNDER PEDRO!!!! BY JULY WE'LL HAVE A FRESH NOMAR BACK!!!!! WE HAVE TROT NIXON!!! DANTE BICHETTE!!!! F-MIKE MUSSINA!!!! THE RED SOX WILL RULE THE SEASON!!!!! CARL EVERETT'S CONTRACT IS UP AFTER THIS YEAR!!!! HE'LL BE GONE!!! I HAVE NO FINANICIAL STAKE IN THE SOX AND HAVE YET TO WATCH A GAME!!! WHY DO I EVEN CARE???
-eh, the Yankees will steamroll through all of the American League.... I know this. One can dream, can't one?
-So, it's KANE who came out. He's the Hardcore champ.... so he falls under Angle's stipulations. Angle comes out swinging.... well, Kane does, Angle stays in the ring and responds.
-Kane is clotheslines over the top rope and gets his foot caught.... let's call it the "Test Trap" and MAKE IT STICK!!!!
-Angle picks up a trash can. Kane boots it and Angle goes flying.
-Kane beats up Angle a bit. He tries to Gorilla Slam him.... Angle slips out and tries for the Ankle Lock.... Kane fights out. Angle gets dumped around.
-The Big Show comes stumbling out. Kane takes a "Final Curtain".... (or is that the "Curtain Call"?) Heyman knows that the name of the move is lame.... he refuses to use it. F-his religion, God should reserve him a plum room in Heaven just for that alone.
-TBS and Angle doubleteam Kane.... the Undertaker comes out.... he's trying to run but the ramp is SO slanted downward.... damn that Law of Physics concerning forward momentum.
-Angle tries to get Kane and UT in on a big triple team on TBS. The brothers look at him, look at each other, and double pop him one. Then they give TBS a double chokeslam. Kane covers him and retains his title. Does The Show EVER win?
-UT looks at a street sign that reads, "No Dumping Allowed".... look closely and you can hear him say, "Where were you during my Wrestlemania match with Sid a few years ago!"
-backstage.... Vince and JR are sitting in his office. Vince asks Ross if he's comfy. He offers him a beverage. Vince sez that he wants JR in a proper frame of mind before going out there and being the voice of the company for the next two hours. In order for that, Vince has invited a special guest to join them.
-out comes none other than.... than.... oh, I can't think of anything witty (sort of defines the last year of my life).... so it's Steve Austin. Steve cozies up to Ross and admires his "pretty little hat". Vince tells Ross that they are here to "entertain him", and in a few minutes, they're gonna play some movies. For some reason, I keep thinking that Burt Reynolds is about to burst into the room with a bow and arrow.
-commercials
-Mr. T is doing a LOT of commercials lately.... exactly WHO thought it was time to re-ignite his career?
-moments ago.... well, you saw it. Ally McBeal was in repeats.... you have no excuse.
-Kevin Kelly asked TBS, "What are your thoughts on what just went down?" TBS answered, "You want my thoughts on what just went down?" Kelly said, "No, stupid, tell us your thoughts on this whole China controversy!" TBS sez Bush should apologize.
-plus, he challenged the Undertaker tonight.
-Vince pops the tape in the VCR. We are shown Smackdown footage. You know which footage. The one where Austin beats the crap out of him.
-ah, and with the shot of Trish's tongue in Vince's mouth tossed in for good measure, because SEX SELLS!!!!!
-"Insurance policy".... wasn't that Rick Rude's last WWF gimmick?
-"You look like you just lost your best friend!" Steve Williams died? WHEN????
-You know, I have never met anyone who has this "Mealy mouth" syndrome that Austin keeps talking about. Is that the same as this cow disease that is turning most of Britain into Vegans?
-You know, those punches upon Ol JR look awfully stiff.... must be nice to pound a guy who can't feel a damn thing.
-You know, this was really a nicely done segment. Filled with emotion.
-Thus ends my "You know" hat trick.
-Never seen an announcer blade himself before.... other than Vince.
-back to RAW. Austin gets riled up and lectures Ross on how weak and pathetic he really is. The guy put up no fight whatsoever.... he just laid there and took it. Sort of like a certain fat, bitter, vagina who thought he could "take me down" (heh, he banked everything on "Well, we REALLY wanted Zimmerman!".... HAW!!! little moron)
-Austin leaves. Vince asks Ross if he's ready to go to work. Ross says that he's chatted with his Attorney and there's a nifty little lawsuit just waiting to clog the American Justice System. But Ross doesn't care for lawsuits, not his style (somewhere in Florida, OJ Simpson lept up from his chair and screamed, "FINALLY!!!! SOMEONE'S SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE!!")
-JR mused that he could just quit and go work for Shane O'Mac and this scrappy little new fed called WCW. (That popping sound you just heard was Tony Schiavone's head exploding)
-JR stood up and left. Vince told him that he better do his job properly. Then Vince stuck his lower lip out defiantly.
-commercials
-Divas Live is coming to VH1 Tuesday night.... or tonight.... or a few nights ago.... or last week, depending on when you're reading this. I hope you checked it out.... only for the astonishing sight of Aretha standing there in a dress that was precisely one size too small.
-Jim Ross finally comes out.... to the same song that WCW's Oklahoma used to come out to. Makes me think that Vince should bring back Ed Ferrera and use him as the "Evil JR".
-Heyman rags on Ross as he comes down, claiming that he was doing just fine flying solo, then kisses his ass as soon as he's within earshot. Ironically, this kind of stuff REALLY happens. From all accounts, Ross is one of THE most feared AND hated men in the business.... has been since his days with Bill Watts in the UWF.
-Crash Holly comes out with Molly Holly. This is going to be a handicapped match. Heyman lays it on thick. Ross tersely says "Let's get back to work!"
-We see how Rhyno dismantled these two last week
-Rhyno came out, presumably to finish the job. (well, I doubt he's going to start reading from the works of Maya Angelo.)
-Rhyno hits the ring, grabs the mic, and says, "At our best, we can only create opportunity..." (D'OH!!!)
-Rhyno buries the two douchebags. Hardcore Holly stormed out to make the save. I love Rhyno. If I was into hairy asses, I'd do him. Unfortunately, I like my asses infant-smooth
-Backstage, Stephanie does a scene with her Father. Steph ignores the FIRST RULE OF THE STAGE by NOT turning her body slightly towards the footlights in order to involve the audience. I'm sure her Acting Professor is slamming his hand on his armrest and shouting, "No,No, NO!!! YOU SILLY LITTLE BITCH!!!"
-Steph DOES make use of "the Method" by using her body to emphasize the important parts of her speech. Note as she shakes her head in disgust as she spits out the words "Shane.... and WCW" as if it were BILE!
-And MARVEL at how she plays the complex moment where she must slowly divert her attention from her Father to the monitor that shows her Mother arriving. Oh, my... ENCORE!!! ENCORE!!!!
-She keeps this up, and one day, Lipton may just get to ask her what sound or noise she loves to hear the most. (I'm betting she'll say the "cha-ching" of a cash register)
-commercials
-Linda McMahon is in the building.... she runs into the APA and Chyna. Call me loco, but I SWEAR I saw Linda take a quick peek at Farooq's crotch.
-Michael Cole has Spike Dudley for an exclusive interview. Spike sez it was an honor and a privilege to lose a match to Lita (ugh.... someone wants to get laid). X-Factor steps in. X-Pac says that he's "heard of laying down for a woman but never in a wrestling ring!" (I don't know.... I guy who once had to parade around the ring in a diaper shouldn't be laughing too loud, should he?)
-of course, Spike got attacked.... after all, they couldn't just have a match against the Dudleys FOR THE SAKE OF A TITLE SHOT, COULD THEY???
-We see how Angle and William Regal both double teamed Benoit until Chris Jericho ran out to save his ass.
-We also see how Jericho dropped the IC belt to Triple H.
-Ross says this all "sucks".... Heyman disagrees. The show has been 60% "Best of Smackdown" so far.... Ross is in the right.
-Backstage, The Coach steps into William Regal's office. Regal tells the Coach to take his "grubby little paw" off his desk. (all Brits are racist swine!). Regal tells the Coach to go tell Benoit and Jericho that they'll be fighting each other tonight.... again.... I think they are trying to beat Hogan and Savage's record for most matches against one another. (second only to Sting vs Ric Flair)
-TBS is ready.
-The Undertaker is too
-commercials
-The Big Show is out.
-The Undertaker is out.
-The Hyatte is out (of verbs)
-The Undertaker is still using Limp Bizcut's "Rollin'" for is theme.... if they had any REAL balls, they'd start using O-Town's "Liquid Dreams". (I'm CONVINCED they are the next Beatles)
-UT starts swinging.... AND connecting!!!
-Ross says that "The Undertaker, at 3:30, looks small next to the Big Show!" (by quarter of four, they look the same height. No one can explain why)
-The two big men pounded at each other. TBS cornered UT and mounted the second corner for leverage. Ross said that the Show wore a 22 size ring (and he ain't talking 'bout his FINGERS either!)
-UT picked TBS up and Powerbombed the bastich. We got us a pin. No, the Show never wins.
-Linda is going down on a Hall. Hey YO!
-commercials
-Linda comes out with a HUGE smile on her face. Again.... Hey YO!!!
-She grabs the mic and thanks us very, very much. Well, you're welcome, dear... what did I do?
-She came here tonight because she had three announcement. 1: She is fully recovered and is of sound body and mind and she has resumed all of her responsiblities as the CEO of the WWF. Then she injected some methadone in her arm. (Uh uh.... trading one addiction for another is NOT PROGRESS!!!!!)
-Second, she announced her pride in Shane for beating his Dad and wished him all the luck in ther world with his new aquisition (Day 7 at the office of Shane's WCW, "Dammit Ric, I said NO cream!!")
-Her third announcement involves Vince. Seeing how Vince loves to do everything in public. she asked him to come on out.
-Out came Vince, in full swagger mode. He hits the ring and tries to hug his wife. She pushes him away. (BOOM.... that's pretty much the end of every first date I've ever had in my life)
-Vince picks up a mic and says that he knows why she's out there.... it the main reason why he married her. She wants to apologize to him. For kicking him in the gonads.
-Linda tells Vince to shut up. SHE'S the one who'll do most of the talking tonight. (ugh... at this point, any man with any sense of pride would shout, "CHECK, PLEASE!!")
-Linda takes us all back to the last time they had an in-ring chat. Video footage shows us the night Vince demanded a divorce and threw her out of his ring.
-back to live, Vince fumbled out an excuse that he was just angry. Linda didn't buy it. She said he broke her heart and made her ill, but not ill enough to warrent being dumped in a sanitarium and... blah blah blah....
-LOTS of footage of Trish and Vince getting frisky. Because it's been an hour since we saw the tongue shot.... PLENTY of time for the kids at home to pop brand new boners. (us old men need a little while longer.... like about 2 days. You youngsters have no clue how good you've got it. Rat finks.
-Linda recalls the Wrestlemania match....
-Vince has heard enough.... sensing trouble, he apologizes publicly.... even getting on his knees. (backstage, many wrestlers and staff had to restrain a FROTHING Patterson as he screamed, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I MAY NEVER GET A SHOT LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN!!!!!")
-Linda tells Vince to "read her lips" Vince's paws go for the chooch. Linda steps back and says, "Not THOSE lips, you jackoff!!"
-Linda says, "I want a DIVORCE". She leaves.... slapping hands as she exists. Ross is thrilled. Heyman starts counting Vince's money (*sigh.... he's SO Jewish). Vince is left to process this. We are sent off to more....
-commercials
-footage of what just happened.... just in case some of you just HAD to flip over and watch Tony Danza work his magic on Family Law
-Lita grabs Linda at her Limo and professes her admiration. Linda thanks her graciously. One thing about Linda McMahon, the gal just oozes class.
-Vince charges up to the limo and DEMANDS that Linda roll down her window. The Limo takes off. Vince spots Lita and angrily chews her out (Oh.... if wishes were horses.... oh she gets hotter each week)
-Vince takes his anger out on her by booking a six man inter-gender deal between her, the Hardyz, Stone Cold, Triple H, and Stephanie.
-Meanwhile, all three Dudleys come out to new theme music. Come on, there was nothing wrong with their old theme.... now they are just getting material ready for the NEXT "WWF: The Music" CD
-For the 23rd time, Heyman reminds us that the Dudleys were multiple time ECW tag team champion. Also for the 23rd time, Ross responded to this fact by saying, "Who gives a flying F**K?"
-X-Factor comes out to THEIR new music. Heyman says the theme was performed by "Uncle Cracker" (is he married to Aunt Cookie? Yes, I know how lame that was. Thank GOD the Server's down and no one is reading this). heyman said that Uncle Cracker is MILES better than Kid Rock. Uncle Cracker's record was produced by Kid Rock's sub-label, by the way.
-The two teams start rocking. It's a 6 man. Spike hurtles himself at Albert from the top rope on the outside. Albert catches him and CHUCKS him into the corner post.
-Spike got a tag to D-Von. He and Buh Buh TCB'ed a bit.
-Justin Credible took a 3D, then he took a pin. But it wasn't over.... oh no....
-X-Pac took the head into the groin. From what I understand, this isn't a virgin experience for the little Paccer.
-Buh Buh ordered the black man to get the table. Sickening.
-Albert double clotheslines the boys. Then hoisted Spike high in the air and DUMPED him on the outside floor. MAN, that kid takes some bumps.
-Albert gave Buh Buh a powerbomb into the table. Cue the Cracker.
-Backstage, Vince tells HHH and Steph that he's got his own problems to attend to at the moment.... and takes off.
-Elsewhere, if you a wrestler named "Chris", you are properly lubed up and ready to go.
-commercials
-Backstage, Matt, Jeff, and Lita agree that Austin, HHH, and the Princess are in for a surprise. This entire segment was there just to advertise the "WWF Divas" magazine.... a giant poster of which hung proudly in the background.
-Benoit was out.
-Jericho followed.
-Both men, and Ross, noticed that there was no Referee in the ring.
-William Regal comes out in a Ref's shirt. He says that since both men need a little dignitty in their lives, HE will be the guest Referee. Ross says that Regal doesn't even know how to spell "dignitty" (haw.... illiterate goober)
-Regal calls for the bell. The two guys go at it.
-Benoit goes for an early Crossface. Jericho slips out.
-They do that fast-as-a-teenage-orgasm Move/Countermove sequence, Jericho tries for the Lion Tamer, Benoit reaches for the ropes.
-Jericho goes for the pin after a Tilt-A-Whirl back breaker. Regal slow counts.
-Benoit with a snap suplex. Ross asks, "Who does that better than benoit?" Heyman grumbles, "Tazz.... you fat prick!"
-Benoit goes for the pin. Regal is busy waving to the crowd.
-Jericho gives for a Missile Dropkick, and hits Regal instead. Regal gets up and cheap shots both of them.
-Regal gets double teamed. He gets a Lionsault AND a Diving Headbutt. This is followed by a double Crossface/Walls of Jericho. Regal taps out. WWF Refs run out. They finally let go. Benoit and Jericho stare at each other. Oh, stop posturing and hug each other, ya' goofballs!
-commercials
-Ross pushes the XFL. Heyman glares at the camera with a look that SCREAMS, "Yeah, yeah, I stopped caring about this league a long time ago, too. It'll all be over in just a minute."
-Steven Richards approached Raven and tries to recruit him. Raven gets all.... Raveny on him. I chortled at the part when Raven said, "I liked you better when you had the mullet and you were my total bitch". Well, I WOULD have chortled.... if he DID say it.... and if it WAS Stephen who approached him.... instead of Val Venis.
-at the WWF New York, E & C were there with their titles and a cake.
-Rhyno footage.
-back to the restaurant/nightclub/fire hazard.... Edge said that the Hollys will get a tag team title shot against them at Smackdown. For tonight, the kids are celebrating their 7th tag team title reign with the cake AND a seven second pose. The girls in the club screamed.... both of them.
-back in Boston and backstage, Austin and HHH confer AWAY from Stephanie. I'll bet they were talking about her ass.
-commercials
-Val Venis was already in the ring and the rest of the RTC were at ringside.
-Raven came out. Off we go.
-Quick DDT by Raven. Venis was pulled out by NO ONE.... RAVEN was pulled out by Stephen. Richards tried a Steviekick, but missed. He took a DDT.
-Back in the ring, Raven tried to pin Val again. Bull Buchanon pulled him out.... NOT.... he pulled the REF out. (why am I doing this?)
-The Goodfather did his "Ho Train" on Raven. Val rolled on top of him. Raven kicked out. Val went for the Fisherman's Suplex. Raven STILL kicked out.
-Bull interfered again. Val hit the Money Shot. There was no more kicking out. How long before Heyman gets the company to install a NEW member of RTC to deal with Raven specifically? The new member, of course, being one Tommy Dreamer?
-Backstage, I don't know about the girl herself OR the two Hardyz, but Lita's titties were VERY ready for the match.
-The same could not be said for Stephanie's hooters.... she must've left the "magic bra" at home.
-commercials
-Out came the Hardyz.
-Out came the Game, with his Dame. I am so lame. My jokes are all the same. I'm addicted to fame. Whatever happened to Corey Haim? He was once a big name.
-Austin came out. Heyman impersonated Ross and screamed, "STONE COLD, STONE COLD, STONE COLD!!". Then he shouted, "THAT WAS YOUR WHOLE GIMMICK!!! FOR FOUR YEARS!!!!"
-Everyone started swinging. Everyone with a penis, that is.
-The Hardyz with the Footstool/Flying Legsmash
-The Hardyz took off their shirts. The youngsters voiced their approval.
-Jeff tried to pin HHH.... Austin puilled him out of the ring. Jeff knocked him down with ONE PUNCH!!! (WHAT????? THE GUY LAUGHED AT EVERYTHING FRIGGIN' RIKISHI THREW AT HIM BUT ONE PUNCH FROM 150 POUND JEFF HARDY FLOORED THE GUY???)
-Austin and Matt are in the ring. Austin snags in a Sleeper Hold. The general rule should be, if Piper uses it, then it's lame.
-HHH distracts the Ref just so Austin could get in a low blow.
-Jeff is in. Austin yanks him around by the hair.... ouch. later on, Austin steps on the hair and pulls Hardyz arm. Double ouch.
-Jeff does that deal where he is FIGHTING to crawl to his corner and make the tag. The Heels make it very tough, He eventually makes it by diving .
-Matt's in. House is temporarily cleaned.
-It spills outside. Inside, Lita grabs Stephanie and hits the Twist of Fate. She follows that up with a Moonsault. She gets the pin. Stephanie loses.
-Stephanie LOSES???
-Jeeze.
-Anyway, HHH gets bqack into the ring and stands behind Lita. He pushes the air out of his lungs and through his slightly opened mouth, thus making his cheeks do a ripple effect. This means he is ANGRY!!!!
-Lita turns around, and falls to her ass in fear. Austin is in the ring and stands behind her with a chair. She turns around and backs away from him in fear.
-HHH clocks her from behind. He stomps on her.
-HHH pedigrees Lita. Jim Ross calls it "Inhuman". (Insert Black Bolt joke here)
-Matt charges in and tackles HHH. Austin chairs him HARD! (what? You think Matt's gonna complain?)
-Austin jams the chair into Matt's sternum. Lita covers him for protection. (HEY!!! That's a Dusty Rhodes move!!!)
-Austin jams the chair into Lita a few times.
-Jeff gets a pedigree.
-HHH picks Lita up and hld her by the hair. Austin flips her off, icks her in the gut, and Stuns her. (Man.... this takes me back to my College days when me and Louie Palsino would doubleteam a horny Sorority Sister.)
-The show ends with Ross screaming, SOMETHING'S GONE WRONG WITH AUSTIN'S HEAD!!! (Damn that Owen with that botched Tombstone!!)
I don't know why everyone was bitching.... I liked the show. Come on. Everyone's been screaming about how it's the same four guys in the top level.... well, here are the Hardyz working the main event! Here are Benoit and Jericho, getting primed to make a run for the titles. The kids are getting their shots. Nothing wrong with that?
Not the best RAW EVER!!!!!!! But serviceable. You all creamed at the prospect of Heyman booking things, well, here you go.
Closer central.
Fast a furious, and because pretty much everyone is sick of "I'D RATHER BE IN CHYNA", here are some sign ideas that will make you the coolest cat in the building.
I'M POPPING FOR AUSTIN ANYWAY, F-YOU!
THE MUMMY 2 SUCKS
WHERE'S LAWLER?
WHERE'S HBK?
HIRE THE GROWTH ON FLAIR'S BACK
I LIKE SWEATY MEN
BRING BACK BRET
I VOTED FOR NADER
NUKE THE CHINKS
LUGER MOWS MY LAWN
I MISS BISCHOFF
HIRE HYATTE
NASH IS MY DADDY
BRING BACK THE BLOWPOP HOMOS
I DON'T GET IT ANYMORE
MUSHNIK LIKES NUDE CUB SCOUTS
RUSSO + WOW = LOSER
That's it. I'm out.
Next week, new columns. Three of them. Unless the server crashes again. Until then, allow me to formally apologize to you for this column. I know it sucked. I know all to well. It'll probably suck next week too, but not as much. If it's any consolation, I'd like to point out that I finished this column in RECORD time. 6 hours even.
Be sure you get your taxes done before the 15th.... that way, you can watch the 11 o'clock news and GOOF on the yokels who jam up the Post Office in order to get their forms postmarked before midnight. HAW!!! LOSERS!!
Is it cool to still like Run DMC? I say YES!
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